New, Year, New

Feeling a bit like a wounded warrior right about now. In my head I'm ready to start new and put myself out there but everything else about me is screaming no. Starting a few new things, climate control documentary, wine and whiskey festival in CT, back to traveling around the world. 2016, maybe you're going to make me someone I can look at in the mirror and not question.

Catch Me

I don’t have a favorite season. I have a favorite feeling. It’s that windows down, silent back roads with dirty feet and salt water smell in my hair feeling. It’s when I can walk straight outside without pausing to search for a jacket. It is curtains dancing around my room because the cool breeze is pushing against its fabric. It is sunsets after ice cream and grass as my pillow. It’s the sound of lawnmowers, of crashing waves and the rain falling against my window sill. It’s the feeling of happiness when you encounter packets of shade and long walks along a gravel road. I don’t have a favorite season, I have a favorite feeling.

Vampire Life

We were young and drinking on the beach
There was nowhere else to go
And you said you always would be within reach
Oh but how were we to know

That these are the days that bind you together, forever
And these little things define you forever, forever

All this bad blood here, won't you let it lie?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it die?

If we're only ever looking back
We will drive ourselves insane
As the friendship goes resentment grows
We will walk our different ways

But those are the days that bind us together, forever
And those little things define us forever, forever

All this bad blood here, won't you let it lie?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it die?

And I don't wanna hear about the bad blood anymore
I don't wanna hear you talk about it anymore
I don't wanna hear about the bad blood anymore

All this bad blood here, won't you let it lie?
It's been cold for years, won't you let it die?

Don't Buy Me Presents

I just have one request - baby - don't buy me roses, or daisies, or chocolate, take me somewhere new.
I feel free to roam and travel - to explore and adventure. I'd like to do those things with you.
I haven't found the urge to find another 'half' because I've felt pretty whole as a solo traveler for so long. When you travel, you discover more than places, you discover more than the world, you discover yourself.
But if I do have a boyfriend or lover, I'd want him to know the following:
Baby, don't buy me presents, take me somewhere new.
Swim with me in the Great Barrier Reef and help me find Nemo.
Hike with me along Mt. Fuji. Jump out of a plane with me, soaring high above the ground, through the clouds and filled with adrenaline.
Let's enjoy pretending to be pirates on King's Landing - we can reenact our favorite Game of Thrones scenes - Maybe even sit on the Iron Throne.
Hug me among the elephant's in Chiang Mai, and make my heart beat fast and steady while watching the boas in the Amazon.
After the Amazon we can hop over to Argentina swim in Iguazu Falls - splash around singing assorted songs the natives won't understand.
I'd like to experience our own version of a British tea party and rage at Wireless Festival!
Let's sail Whitsunday Islands and run with the bulls in Pampalona.
I want to experience Halong in Vietnam, because quite frankly that's just hilarious. And I want to be Down Under while you're going down under.
With you by my side I want to feel the security to take real life chances, not the ones I've done thus far on my own - I want to feel the rush of life-changing decisions.
Baby, let's do everything we've dreamed of - lets create new dreams.
Apart we are strong, we are travelers, we are wandering souls, but together we can be something more.

Sickly Love

love me with that blacken cocaine heart
dont have time for a playground romance
kiss me, fuck me, pin me down - make it hurt
lets make up our own violent love dance

i want our love to be deadly
i want it to kill us slowly (like cancer)
our bodies are decaying together (they're yearning to be fed)
our flesh will be together until the end of time (you're my sid and i dream to be your nancy)

got that love filled madness
that drug lust madness
without you all i've got is sadness
that heartbreaking sadness
give into my madness
all my love lust madness

kiss me with your bourbon lips
the same ones you tell every lie with
i can't get enough, i cant say no
i try to leave, but my body wont go

i want our lust to be desirable
i want it to take us away (lost in each other)
our bodies can explore the unmentionables (they need to be found)
our flesh will be together until the end of time (you're my sid and i dream to be your nancy)

got that love filled madness
that drug lust madness
without you all i've got is sadness
that heartbreaking sadness
give into my madness
all my love lust madness

Ode To My Former Life:

oh the days we used to party all night
trying to feel something that resembled city life
drinking by the bombfire on a crisp summer night

we were the queens of small town life
walking downtown reaking havoc on the city streets
stealing traffic cones, screamin at the top of our lungs
our parents were concerned we'd all die young

here i stand with my oldest friend
she's got a smile on her face and heels in her hand
the clouds open and rain pours down
while she starts to laugh, i start to dream my good-byes
we scream and shout and plan our big city lives

this is what makes us small town queens
we all look back, kick up our heals and thank the sky
this is what we'd die for, this is our big city dream
this is what makes us small town queens
we don't cry, we don't care (about anything)
we drink our PBR and scream lyrics to our favorite song

and this is where the road to the end begins
we had too much fun, too many scars, we made lots of scenes
we drank, we smoked, we pushed it to the extremes

we turned eighteen and we had arrived
big city life, working and flirting at the local bars
cheerin on my friend as she danced on cars
doing keg stands and getting high at the local dive

becoming professionals at popping locks
swimming quietly at the velvet cloak (no clothes on)
runnin' from the cops dippin and drippin into the jackpot
all the time screaming 'that's all you've got!'

get us now, get us while you can
screamin at cops with beers in our hands

this is what makes us small town queens
we all look back, kick our heals up and thank the sky
this is what we'd die for, this is our big city dream
this is what makes us small town queens
we don't cry, we don't care (about anything)
we drink our PBR and scream lyrics to our favorite song

these are who i called friends
we got into trouble and when stuff got bad
i called mom and dad and they got sad
a college drop out, a ex-beauty queen, small town girl
crying and lying about where i'd been

this is what makes me a small town queen
i look back, kick my heals up and thank the sky
this is what i'd die for, this is my big city dream
this is what makes me a small town queen
i don't cry, i don't care (about anything)
i drink my PBR and scream lyrics to my favorite song

lucky for my parents i haven't died young (yet) --- hahahaha

working on it, ok

pour my whiskey on the rocks
no one likes me when i'm sober

Lone Wolf and The Campers - Lyrics

stop her now
stop her in her path
take a bow
take her autograph

cause you don't want to forget her
cause you don't want to leave her now
she's the one you dream about

think of that one night
think of all she said
now bury her from sight
wash her from your head

cause you do want to forget her
cause you do want to leave her now
she's the one you scream about

take my hand
take me as your guide
let me help you out
let me get inside

cause i don't want to loose you
cause i don't want to see you go
you're the one i dream about

oh, to have a picture perfect romance
oh, to have all life figured out

cause i know she's the one you dream about
cause i know she's the one you think about
cause i know she's the one you scream about

let her go
let her say goodbye
take my hand
take me as i am

love me
kiss me
have me
hold me

cause i don't want to forget you
cause i don't want to leave you now
you're all that i think about

Brief Record Critique

They have this way, this way of writing and preforming music. It is their own music they wrap themselves around like wings, like a shroud-a sense of the departed love, the untouchable grace, the never-was. This is what removed, never-can-be-again noise sounds like. The Rosebuds make this drama come alive, making a drama of hiding and escape, material defeat and spiritual conquest, investing that drama with the passion of their voices and the physical presence of the bodies that hold it. They seem to guide you towards a crack in the invisible wall around their love. All they are doing is telling the story we all know, that of loss, but in a manner that makes the story new-making the familiar unstable, and the comforts of familiarity unsure. The secret of the crowd isn't that we have all hurt the same way, it is that we all begin to think it all over once the first chord is strummed. They take away the identities of their listeners, each one of us falls into their wound.

-Rosebuds 'Loud Planes Fly Low'

JSB,SNW

Good nights, they had a few solo, but they knew very well that they did better together than they had done in the past. They set off something warm and good in each other. Loneliness dissolved, their nights became warm comfortable meeting of the people, it radiated, it was great, it was grand, you just could not describe it.

Like everyone whose life is conditioned by luck, he had some brilliant streaks of it and some that were dismal. It was that luck that was operating that first night. The combination of those two seemed to make for a wildness in the air, the atmosphere of their city was excited, like New Year's Eve. Yes, maybe it was a lucky combination of circumstances, but the first months they were together was brilliant. At that time, before they had titles or complications, it was pure seduction.

That night, the night they first had sex together, it happened casually, it was not important nor too satisfactory. Maybe they were too anxious to please one another, each a little too afraid of disappointing. Sex is made to be a little selfish to have any true excitement. The first time between strangers can feel like a blaze of light, euphoric even. The first time between people who know each other well and have an established affection, it tends to be self-conscious, even a bit embarrassing. Of course those drunken nights, those blind drunken nights, those are the nights that come alive.

Sometimes they had serious conversations, though most of the time he tried to keep the talk on a frivolous plane. She could tell it troubled him to talk about serious matters probably because some topics were too serious to be talked about in comfort. For the first month or so both pretended not to have a mind anyone could talk to. Gradually they discovered in each other the others things, the mutual pursuit of all things endless and indefatigable. This became the mainstay of their relationship, they slyly began to respect each other, not merely to like and enjoy, but respect as neither had ever respected another person.

It was through this blossomed respect that they found something honest, something raw, something heartfelt. He was her only close friend, and she was his. She was deeply drawn to the boy, he was not quite sure, watching her all the time with unabated interest.

It was later that spring in the small southern city that the ill health of their relationship became apparent. He did not speak of his suffering, but he would sometimes check on her, see if the pain had subsided. She behaved as if she was suffering from some disgraceful secret. She would snarl, she would yell. She made elaborate effort to conceal nothing.

It was the later days, he would stand as sure in the sun and powerful as the sun itself; but then a little shadow of uncertainty would touch him again. She would think him a boy again at moments like those, about seventeen.

love, romance and other bullshit

A cigarette rest between his lips. That's all it took for her to notice him. The lit cigarette sends smoke gliding through the air covering just enough of his face to raise her eyebrow, mystery was always her guilty pleasure. She checks her reflection in the glass of the jukebox then makes her first attempt at seduction.
Nonchalance has gotten her everywhere in life so she saunters up to the opposite end of the bar, orders a shot of jameson with a pbr back. She realizes this may make her look as if she was a girl from brooklyn, but why start this love affair off with lies, she is a girl from brooklyn. their eyes meet.
Just as she thought he was a charmer, a hard catch, but she's dealt with this type before. The guy who has underdeveloped confidence, just enough to keep you guessing but not enough to come to you. At the moment of eye contact the whistle blew and the game was on.


... to be continued ... too tired to finish tonight.

questions

somethings on my mind. i'm not sure how to write it down so i'm just going to hold it in for now, maybe soon i'll be ready to share.

reflections

when i think about my future i think about the places i want to go, the places i want to explore.

am i suppose to be happy when everything i ever wanted comes with a price.
well in a way i'm happier than i have ever been, right here in my little studio apartment in the middle of the brooklyn ghetto. but again the quote above speaks volumes, i'm happier than ever right now in this minute but it has come with a price; a huge price some may say. i have used people, i have hurt people, i have made mistakes, i have cried, i have laughed, i have pretended, i have said things that weren't true, i have manipulated, i have done everything, even fight, to get to this point of happiness.
i left everything, i hit the highway in full sprint never to expect i'd look back but here i am looking far back into my past. i'm finally realizing everything has a reason, every choice i've made and everything i'm doing is a direct reflection of my past. now i'm on a journey to open up the shadows of my past and reveal to myself what it is i'm running from.

here's a few pictures from my life here thus far, enjoy:

long drive to you

i feel the excitement again. i'm ill-prepared for the ride but i'm strapped into my car seat waiting for the green light. maybe one day i'll have the green light, right now though i'm happily-ever-after slowing for the yellow.

Apples, the red kind.

dreams crash and burn, leaving you empty inside. i'm surrounded by life, lights and vibrancy of this city. i fell in love some time ago, when i was a much less salted wound but i can see my love still flickers, however dim it may be as of recent. i'm a baby in this flock of adults, i'm trying to find my sea legs. finishing the days accompanied by my thoughts and the sound of my fingers tapping away is not an unusual sound, but this time it is more comforting. i'm not heartbroken crying over my keys, i'm not whining over the city, people, work, or trivial. i'm leaving the past, i'm forgetting the hurt or pain i once made up, i'm just me alone living life in a city that never sleeps. And these are my own words, true and raw.

short story by samantha warden

maybe i should pack my bags and go. i think the shadows of my past are finally catching up to me. my life is finally ending with sorrow. the thought of not being here in the morning isn't as scary now. i just need to be careful, the monsters are creeping around the corner and they're gunning for me. i need to learn to fight back, i need to learn to breath and speak. i can feel my heart turning black. i need to just wash my face, wash my hands, wash this feeling from my body. i wish i could wash my soul, i need to wash my imperfections and my impurities.

i need to be careful, the monsters are coming down the hallway, they've picked up the pace. i can't be safe forever. you cant keep me safe forever. ive been through my extra lives and now i just have this one, however damage it may be. i just need to run, run back, run back to the beginning and run this monster down. i need to catch it and recapture my soul. i sold it a long time ago, to this beautiful monster.

he laughs. he laughs at my ignorance. i salute him because he is my master. he bargained for my soul long before i had a chance to discover it's value. that's his way, that's how he survives. the brutality of his world mingles in the innocence of ours and he takes us for all we are worth. he has no morals, he needs no morals, he lives his life and sees all evil. he steals, cheats, lies to get what he wants then he throws it all away because it's the chase that gives him the thrill.

i finally found him. to his misfortune he hadnt eaten it yet; he was saving me for desert. now i have to run. i have to run and now i'm hiding, i'm hiding my soul from him, i'm not giving in. i'm learning to breakdown and live because that's what i have to do, thats what i need to do. all life represents angels, angels with enemies, and i'm on the run from mine. i am safely hidden between satisfaction and content, but i'm not settled, i'm not done chasing, i'm not through running, i'm not finished dreaming, i'm simply playing it safe, for now.

it hurts ...

maybe a little.


but i look good in pain:

lyrics, maybe

i set my body up in flames
letting the wind take away the pain
now all i have is a milting frame

you look at me with trembling eyes
revealing the ghost of my past
reminding me of what i once had

i've grown numb now
petrified to think it's all over
body and soul stripped to the core

i dreamt it to be different
i dreamt it to be pure
now i dream no more

2010 ya'lllllll

can't believe another year has gone by. i didn't get half the shit done i wanted to last year, well i guess i have this year to achieve them. all i gots to say is happy effin' new years biiittttccchhhh.

2010 ... welcome to the future.

buzy as a beeeee

I've been one busy girl.
Been a little out of touch with reality.
I think I should put my feet back on the ground.

Trying to cast a new actor.
Trying to find a radio station to film in.
Trying to find some money to use.
Trying to work on getting back in school.
Trying to figure out whether to stay in Raleigh.
Trying to find a new paying job.
Trying to stay social.
Trying to stay normal.

I think I'm excited about Christmas.
A huge think involved in that.
I'm not sure if this Christmas will be a good one.
I haven't finished my shopping.
I haven't prepared mentally for seeing my family.
I haven't made enough money to buy anyone presents.
I need to pay my bills.

Anywho, clue, boo Merry Christmas everybody!