thinking back

tonight was a rough one. i was reminded of a lot of things. i miss a lot of people, some aren't on this earth, some aren't in this state and some are right in front of me. i love going to see my parents but the feeling i get when i come back to raleigh is never that welcoming. it's almost if i never leave raleigh i'd never have to have that feeling i get when i return. i never feel home when i come back, i never feel all that wanted here, i never feel that sense of security that one should feel.

tonight i cried, the first in a week or so i'd say. i didn't cry over the same bullshit as i have been. i cried over a friend. i cried for a friend i should say. i started crying because i feel that i can't do anything else, i'm so frustrated with the world and the shitty things it gives us. how is one to suppose to believe in happiness when all she gets is sadness?

i couldn't help it tonight. i thought back on all the things in my past, i was overwhelmed by grief. for the first time in a while my whole heart filled up with sadness. i began to think back on the all those i love who aren't with me anymore. i thought of those who i can't see, who i can't call, those who are somewhere no one really knows about.

thinking about my lost friends made me think about my present friends, as few as there may be. i got to thinking about kate. i really miss her. i wish she was here with me tonight, i wish she was here to wipe the tears, because i know she would.

i also got to thinking about lauren and meredith. i don't know what to think. we've been friends so long it's unnatural for me not to call them my friends but then i think about it, where have they been? have i shut them out to the point of no return or have they vanished and found new lives to lead that don't involve me?

we grew up together but i fear we've also grown apart together.

we are human, we evolve to survive. i've changed, i'm not perfect, i'm starting to realize i never will be. friends come and go but i'm the only me i've got. maybe i should start being able to live with myself instead of changing my friends whenever i feel insecure with my worth.

i'm working on me. i'm still insecure, i'm still sensitive, i'm still emotional but you know that's what makes me, me. i'm becoming more comfortable, hanging out with strong people is helping, i'm beginning to realize i'm actually a person people like to hang out with. i've always relied too heavily on other peoples perception of me, now i'm finally seeing the only perception that matters is the one i have of myself.

cheers to growth, cheers to me.