mistakes

that gut-ripped-out and stepped on feeling won't go away.
i shouldn't of done what i just did. FUCK ME!

i guess i'm not as tough as my last post leads you to believe.

i'm learning more and more i am very fragile. i've protected myself for so long that i think my body started mutating into stone. now, after you chiseled away at my stone wall, i'm left so very fragile.

today i had a long bus ride back from my game. i sat there talking to my 14-16 year old girls about their boyfriends and how much they love each other. they now call me a "love bash-er," a nickname i wear proudly across my chest. love has never got me anywhere, love has never given me anything. i am a "love bash-er," i wear my heart on my sleeve and carry a venomous bite.

i learned today that everybody is looking for the scoop. everybody ask questions just to fill there own need for knowledge. very few people actually care about you or your feelings. do you know how many times i get asked "what happened between you guys? why'd ya'll break up?" i'll tell you one thing the questions come far more than the actual answers. and if i do feel like talking about it, which is never, no one actually listens to the answer i give. they pretend to listen, they perk up their ears for gossip but when they realize there isn't any their ears lay flat.

the people around me, the people who truly care, the people who ask not for the scoop but for the real response, the people who not only listen to you ramble about everything that's happened but actually give you a hug afterward.they listen to the thoughts but more importantly they watch for your nonverbal ques, those are your friends. these friends are the ones that will be in your life for a while.

nonverbal ques are key to any persons inner thoughts and feelings. i should get better at reading them then maybe i'd be better at life.



friday's going to be weird, i wish it didn't have to be but i'm still relying on 'time will heal all wounds.' but you never know 'time flies when you're having fun.'

god, i'm a retard. again i leave you.


(i'm getting better, i'm just not there yet. soon, just not today)

...with a bad history

bring it on, bring everything and throw it on me.

meat eaters suck

fuck carnivores.

thien and nick-shaw should be fat just for the shear volume of portein they consumed in one meal. i vomit in my mouth a little every time i think about it.

back to school grind. exam tomorrow, story due thursday, quiz thursday then two papers due next week along with a story. man, i'm so happy it's warm outside, it makes getting work done even harder. i'm never going to graduate, swear it. FML

oh yea, phrase of the night: S.D.A.T.B.S (thanks nick-shaw for this amazing visual)

crazy nights.

had a blast last night. it was a first time in a while i've actually enjoyed myself completely. i spent the night dancing with courtney and amber. we went to the jackpot and made complete fools of ourselves, but it was amazing. after two beers each and last call we walked down to a house party logan and joseph's crew were dj-ing/mc-ing/hanging at. it was hilarious, i swear. we danced more, hung out more, then we walked to my car. we decided we wanted ihop. i felt like a freshman again, minus the excessive alcohol and drugs. i think i need more nights like last night in my life.

u-g-l-y i ain't got no alibi

got this back from my daniel polsvick shoot.
not really my favorite picture, i look unbelievably sad.
hmm, my eyes are dead, my forehead has somehow turned into a eight head
and my nostrils are bulging out from my face.

i've never known how

good-bye
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of God be with you
Date: circa 1580
1. : a concluding remark or gesture at parting - often used interjectionally
2. : a taking of leave - <a tearful good-bye>

break up
Function: verb
Date: 15th Century
1. : a. to cease to exist as a unified whole : Disperse - <a partnership broke up>
1. : b. to end a romance
2. : to lose moral, composure, or resolution

forget
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, to Old English forgietan
Date: Before 12th Century
1. : to lose the remembrance of : be unable to recall <I forgot his name>
2. : to treat with unattention or disregard <forget their old friends>
3. : to disregard intentionally : Overlook - usually used in the imperative
4. : to cease in remembering <forgive and forget>
5. : to fail to become mindful at the proper time <forget about paying the bill>

Today I'm reminding myself of all these words.
Today I'm pushing away, I'm freeing myself.
Today I'm smiling and getting over you.

thinking

today:
-found out i can NOT register for courses in the fall until after the summer
-found out i'm more than likely NOT spending the summer in NYC due to above
-found out i do NOT need to work on mondays but i'm being forced
-found out i only have $8 in my bank account
-found out i have $400 in bills still to pay this month

tomorrow:
-i will wake up to the sun shining
-i will smile and be happy
-i will spend the early evening hours on a softball field
-i will NOT think about you
-i will find out what i'm doing this summer

(i sometimes miss my old self - but then i can't remember most of it )

stuff

i discovered last night that there is more.
i discovered i'm unbelievably offensive at times.
i discovered the redhead, milla, and i are pretty intense.
we make people feel uncomfortable a lot, and it's hilarious.

my knee and wrist hurts.

i'm going to new york in a month for an interview.
i'm going to smile, dress my best and hope for the best.
i need this, i really need this.


(i really need to hug this guy and hope he doesn't get hard on my leg.)

Hate and Memories

reminded

today i was lurking around the interweb and found a couple cool places to live, a couple cool jobs to apply for, and a couple of cheap prices on my amazing multi-city trip this summer. i'm going to have a ball traveling and not worrying about anything but whether the airplane i'm on will crash into the mid-west. i'm in love with the idea, i'm in love the possibilities and most of all i'm in love with the search.
(first stop in my month long journey, brooklyn. home to kate-the-great)

(then boarding a flight to seattle. home to maria, my bulgarian princess)

(then taking a bus down to portland. home of old friend chris, otherwise known as alfy)

(then my traveling butt will be back in raleigh. home to reality and money making)

(then, after saving money for a few weeks, back to traveling. first stop chicago. home of the cubs.)

who really knows where i will be or what i will be doing. this is all made possible by money saving strategies and lots of friends in lots of cool cities that are willing to put me up for my adventures.

i'm pretty excited. all this traveling will only cost me $443 plus spending money.

procrastination.

procrastination sucks. i have so much to get done and so little time to do it. i'm going to chapel hill later so i can see my friend meredith. i haven't seen her since thanksgiving break, which is a really long time ago. it will be nice to get away from raleigh for a little while. i'm getting more and more jaded everyday. i'm taking this week to clear my head, make some decisions and dive head first in school. i've been holding back a lot lately, i don't like feeling like that.
i'm going to start heading down a path of self reflection and i'm finally taking the time to get stuff straight with me. now i look back, i'm sure this will change but for now, i've looked back and realized it's not a bad thing all this happened. i'm actually alone, and ok with it. yes, it's hard because i gave away a part of me that i wasn't willing to give ever before but i'm ok with it. i'm tired of feeling jaded from the world, i'm tired of being unhappy with myself. i'm glad this happened maybe now i can finally have time to just do me.

i told my mom last night her thoughts: in return take time for you, don't let this make you feel small because you are big, sam, you have a lot going for you.

i love my mom.

Dealing

you got it now

i just finished 5 papers in 1.5 days. i am awesome.

now i'm back to the grind.


life's like this: all life contains are games, games that you either figure out or games that you don't. Either way it's all a game, you chose to either be a good sport, or a sore loser. i'm finally getting over being the sore loser in the last game i played, it's taken approximately 5 days.

i'm still waiting.
it's your move, show me something new.

rep man

i want my best friend back.
ok, thanks come again.


i know someday you will be reppin' again, i have my faith.

feelings

again i'm not asleep before 3am.
again i'm left feeling like crap.
again i'm to blame.
again i'm not afraid.
BECAUSE
it will work out, it will be ok.
it will work out, it will be ok.
i need to keep repeating it so my heart will listen and
believe the words that are being said:
it will work out, it will be ok.
it will work out, it will be ok.

i'm not done, not yet.


ps. i love you.



first game's tomorrow at JCPark, 4pm if anyone's interested.
(not that i actually have people that read my blog)

love

I'm in l-o-v-e.

(The apple of my eye: Mumpower from the Aldo collection)

By the way I totally have a pimple inside my right nostril and it hurts so unbelievably bad!

pssh

hear that splash? that's me abandoning ship.

(bye, bye inconsiderate twat-cicle)

i use my blog to talk shit, guess who guess who

Discovery on the Home Front

I recently discovered German boys are hot and maybe I should go overseas, you know visit the fam, get some digis, drink some hefeweizen (aka country ham beer) and just live it up.

Here's my proof:

I guess Irish boys aren't too bad either. Proof:

Blah Blog Blush

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

No matter how many times I type it I still have this feeling. The funny thing is I don't feel paranoid about one particular thing, it's everything. I feel out of control, I feel left out, I feel alone for the first time in a long time.

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

I try so hard to keep people out but all I really want is to be let in. I close myself off from people because I feel it saves me from the hurt, but all it really does is gives me more pain. I start hating everything about myself, I start second guessing everything about myself.

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

I suck at being me. I just want to find a new persona to act out for a while. I've been pretty good at that in the past. Wow, in the past, I can't believe I've actually started opening up and being, not acting, like myself.

Relieved. Relieved. Relieved. Relieved.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok so that was mellow-dramatic and I need to stop so back to fashion, cool and interesting things I find on the internet!

I've been searching for a pair of lady lace-up oxfords and I found some but they are rather expensive:

Kisco Brogue Lace Up

Then I found this amazing piece of art:

Agyness Deyn (I'm obbessed)