mistakes

that gut-ripped-out and stepped on feeling won't go away.
i shouldn't of done what i just did. FUCK ME!

i guess i'm not as tough as my last post leads you to believe.

i'm learning more and more i am very fragile. i've protected myself for so long that i think my body started mutating into stone. now, after you chiseled away at my stone wall, i'm left so very fragile.

today i had a long bus ride back from my game. i sat there talking to my 14-16 year old girls about their boyfriends and how much they love each other. they now call me a "love bash-er," a nickname i wear proudly across my chest. love has never got me anywhere, love has never given me anything. i am a "love bash-er," i wear my heart on my sleeve and carry a venomous bite.

i learned today that everybody is looking for the scoop. everybody ask questions just to fill there own need for knowledge. very few people actually care about you or your feelings. do you know how many times i get asked "what happened between you guys? why'd ya'll break up?" i'll tell you one thing the questions come far more than the actual answers. and if i do feel like talking about it, which is never, no one actually listens to the answer i give. they pretend to listen, they perk up their ears for gossip but when they realize there isn't any their ears lay flat.

the people around me, the people who truly care, the people who ask not for the scoop but for the real response, the people who not only listen to you ramble about everything that's happened but actually give you a hug afterward.they listen to the thoughts but more importantly they watch for your nonverbal ques, those are your friends. these friends are the ones that will be in your life for a while.

nonverbal ques are key to any persons inner thoughts and feelings. i should get better at reading them then maybe i'd be better at life.



friday's going to be weird, i wish it didn't have to be but i'm still relying on 'time will heal all wounds.' but you never know 'time flies when you're having fun.'

god, i'm a retard. again i leave you.


(i'm getting better, i'm just not there yet. soon, just not today)