buzy as a beeeee

I've been one busy girl.
Been a little out of touch with reality.
I think I should put my feet back on the ground.

Trying to cast a new actor.
Trying to find a radio station to film in.
Trying to find some money to use.
Trying to work on getting back in school.
Trying to figure out whether to stay in Raleigh.
Trying to find a new paying job.
Trying to stay social.
Trying to stay normal.

I think I'm excited about Christmas.
A huge think involved in that.
I'm not sure if this Christmas will be a good one.
I haven't finished my shopping.
I haven't prepared mentally for seeing my family.
I haven't made enough money to buy anyone presents.
I need to pay my bills.

Anywho, clue, boo Merry Christmas everybody!

and this is all he wrote ...

premiere

So I have this premiere this Saturday. It's not a huge deal in everyone's life but it's a pretty big deal in at least six peoples lives. I loved working with my cast these past few months, I love being back a create environment. I survive off being inspired by others and for a while there I was bogged down with meaningless work and task. Tasks that I wasn't proud of, tasks that didn't allow me any type of creative outlet, so finally I'm back. Back in the element I've always loved.

comments not needed

The Catch-Up to Sam now:

I was in a fashion show:

(the only time you will see me in a wedding dress)

I am working on a sitcom pilot:

(we like to take breakfast breaks)

I'm just overall getting shit done. Holler at me.


Ahh Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

I and Love and You.

I think we are still hidden somewhere underneath our past. We try to hide, we try to get carried away in our everyday but we will always be. I miss the us I use to know, but if you and I were still together I wouldn't of been able to grow half as much as I have. So for that I am thankful.

One day I'll be back, one day we will reunite.

Ahh Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

New Life

If you guys haven't heard I'm walking in this little show called : FashionSpark for this big designer Katelyn Wells. She's amazing!!! As soon as I get some pictures of me/her line I will post them.

In other news the time is narrowing down. I now have a shoot deadline for my first shot date. We are to start filming 'Wastedland' on October 4th at Blue Martini. I can't wait to start and see how everything turns out. I'm sure more details about this will be up soon! I know the website will be.

Anyway I'm off to go on my miniature 'shitty bar' crawl through the 'shitty city.' Until next time have a great time tomorrow week!

Fast Times

I'm working on a new production.
I'm back to my more normal weird self.
I'm work a lot at the Busy Bee/The Hive.
I'm hoping to be out of Raleigh in a year.
I'm want this friend thing to last.
I'm really enjoying it.

boys will be boys

I know, I know I haven't even finished my last two post. My bad, I just had to share these delicious pieces of model heaven with you. I'm not impressed that he started smoking, but I am impressed he updated his tattoo collection.

BK Day Six

Woke, Ate, Waited, Shot-gunned a can Pepsi.

BK Day Five

Day in the Park. Day I met Matt Her-Man.

BK Day Four

Beer Garden in Queens.

Ok day four turned out to be a good day. I woke up and went into the city with Kate. She had some errands to run so I tagged along. After getting her things done she headed off to work and I headed off to get lunch. I went to Republic which is an amazing Thai restaurant right next to Union Square. After trying to be lady like while eating pad-thai with chopstick I discovered the bartender was staring at me. This made me a lot self-conscious so I packed up my food and headed on. Well not before the bartender came up to me and said I looked like a younger version of Kim Cattrall and he thought it was funny that my name was Samantha. In case you don't know I get this almost everyday of my life, so no surprises here.

I leave Republic and walk around Union Square, there's a arts and craft fair going. I leave with nothing with took a great deal of self control. I head to Kate's work just to drop off some leftovers, she talks me into trying on a million different pairs of jeans. I stay and talk and hang for a bit and then Grace Marie calls. I'm a little tired so I head back to BK for a nap.

Woke up by my phone ringing and text messages blowing up my piece. I answer the phone to hear Grace Marie telling me I better come to the beer gardens or she's not going to be my friend anymore. I get up, check my hair, brush my teeth and head out on a search for a cab. Bedford Ave. is blocked off due to a art fair and I become aware that finding a cab in BK at 3 in the afternoon is impossible. I get on the subway. I go to fifth ave. hail a cab head to Queens.

The beer garden, what an amazing place. When entering the bar it looks like any other run down piece of crap bar but then the doors swing open and a glorious field filled with picnic tables, shade trees and stage with dance space. We sit, it was friend Rose's birthday. We play a lot of asshole we interupt a lot of games of beer pong. We sing along to the band, they played really great drinking music. We get really drunk.

It is now 10:20 Grace Marie leaves, why I did not go with her I have no idea. I stay, I drink more, I play more asshole. I get more drunk. I leave around 11:00. On my mission to the subway I have some fun encounters. I had received directions from Rose on how to get back to BK from Queens via subway so I felt pretty confident. I'm walking, I'm looking for the streets, I'm feeling confident. I find the subway. I start on my merry way back to BK. Note to anyone who plans on riding the subway do not do it drunk.

I finally make it back to BK around 12am. I call JC, no answer, I call Kate I meet up with them. We go to a bar, I'm already in hangover mode so I opt to go home early. I get home I go to sleep. I wake up for another adventurous day in BK.

BK Day Three

... I will write about this soon, when my days stop turning into nights so quickly. Until then I will give you a brief teaser: Day three started like any other day, waking up in LES at 2:30 in the afternoon, laying around watching Sister-Sister until 3p.m and then discovering it is a horrible day outside. I get dress, in the clothes I was wearing the night before and manage to find my way down the steep, narrow, winding staircase in J.C.'s apartment building. I make it out onto the streets of NYC, after freezing my ass off for about 5 blocks we hit a K-Mart!

More to come.

Ok, finally I feel the start of maybe some procrastinating but mostly free time. So my third day in the city that never sleeps began pretty late into the afternoon. After watching a jaw-dropping performance by Pink on thefuse J.C. and I decided we should probably go get some food. After looking outside and seeing nothing but clouds, rain and wind I try to man-up and bare the frigid weather, my manly-ness lasts five blocks.

We hit up a K-Mart, they have crop-jackets for $9 - score. I make my first purchase of the day and we go on our merry way. We walk a bit, trying to keep the umbrella (ella ella ey) in tack is quite a task. the wind is horrible. the umbrella last until our lunch destination, some sandwich place in east village. i get a really cute, but not at all fulfilling basil wrap thing. we exit into the rain storm once more. we continue to walk around aimlessly. the umbrella finally breaks at 15th and 5th (near Kate's job). we ditch the ella and head on.

powering through the rain we spend the rest of the day going in and out of vintage shops, thrift stores, ice-cream and pizza places. as we're heading to happy hour at lit lounge we pass by a psychic and a pizza place (2 slices and a can cola for $2.75) we can't miss either. J.C. ask me if I wanted to get my fortune told before or after happy hour, of course I say after (tipsy psychic encounters, score!)

we go to lit lounge, have two drinks, walk to the psychic get my palms read. i thought the experience was awesome, she was pretty cool. i don't know how much of it was true but either way it was interesting. i'd like to believe at least some of it will happen, like the part when she said i will live to be 87 yrs. old (heck yes i'm going to be the grumpiest old lady ever!)

we leave the psychic catch a cab to American Apparel because we are suppose to meet some of our friends at pianos but i'm in the clothes i was in when they all left me the night before, that would of been a little weird. I grab an outfit we jet off to the bar.

meet joseph in the back room where this lady (the lead singer to this band) is singing a song about lube. she apparently really likes lube and needs it all the time. we leave that comedic performance and head upstairs to see another interesting duo. this couple was a singing duo - opera and accordion. i thought: score!

we drink more, we leave, we go back to J.C.s apartment, we chill, we watch sister-sister (second best show on Tv. next to moesha) i fall asleep, then i leave to go back to b.k. for the night. never to see j.c again, well at least for the remainder of my trip to NYC.

b.k. = sausage party/lame. i go back to the house in order to rest and change. meet back up with kate and friends we go to a bar, i don't have fun, i leave. sleep in until like 11am.

Spotted the backside of hott neighbor (hn). he was sneaking in with a certain roomie of kates late last night. i'll see more of him tomorrow, hopefully! :)

BK Day Two

Ok, so day two was a bit ago, it may not be as detailed as the last. but here it is: today i decided to go out in bk, find a coffee shop, find a bagel, find some free wifi. I found all three. I went to the bagel shop, so appropriately named 'the bagel shop.' I got an egg and cheese on everything, delicious! as i sat there in the window seat overlooking metro. ave i thought to myself, 'wow, this bagel is so good. that guy over there is cute, is he looking at me?' and of course the guy wasn't looking at me, he was staring at the big piece of poppy seed that was stuck in my front teeth. man, i am so classy.

after leaving the bagel shop i took a stroll down bedford found a coffee shop, didn't have free wifi, but did have some tasty green tea and a very cute dog sitting out front. after sitting there for a while i gathered my things and went down - back towards the house. in my adventure i found a sign 'free wifi' so of course i go right in, order a salad (no, i was not hungry but i didn't want to steal wifi without being a customer because i was the only customer in the joint.) this place, what seemed so innocent, this 'papa limas' was a meat market/sandwich shop. i was a little terrified when a man came in and order a slab of beef. gross.

after my meat packing adventure i headed to the house. i sat around, we ordered pizza and i walked to the corner store and bought a coke. we ate the pizza. kate and roommates didn't want to go out so i was wrapping my mind around the idea of just hanging and sleeping. when 12am hits i receive a phone call from j.c. i tell him the situation, he says that's lame and i should come meet him in LES. i do.

this leads to me binge drinking with joesphx3 (j.c., joe, and joseph) until the sun comes up. we hit up darkroom, i dance, i drink, i sing, i'm pretty flipping marry. i convince the boys we need to venture out of the dark so we do. we stroll across the street to some bar i can never remember the name of, it's like san maria or ana maria or something like that. anyway we drink more, j.c. and i act like we're riding on a magic carpet. it was fun.

by this point it's 4am and the bars are shutting down so of course what else can we do, go home - i think not, we buy beer and head to j.c.'s apartment. we sit, drink, talk, become marry and then pot is a must for joseph so him and joe leave. this is when i realize the sun is up, it is 6am and i'm not going back to bk until after i sleep. yeah, drunk girl on the subway at 6am by herself - fun times, not.

j.c. and i crash hard and wake up the next day at like 3 to rain and wind and cold weather. we made the best of it though, more to come about my third day adventures later. at this point i still haven't spotted hot next door neighbor, damn it.

BK Day One

My trip to 'the city that never sleeps' started out a bit disturbing. As I sit, in and out of sleep, in seat A of row 13 on flight 4002 I catch a whiff of what was going down to the right of me, in the laboratory. As the smell finally drifts away from me I start reading '125 ways to get the pleasure you need.' I'm on number 76 when the train starts to arrive, yes the laboratory train. I think I counted 27 of the 37 people on flight 4002 went to the labs at least once. All I could say to the girl next to me was "It's an 1.5 hour flight, come on people!" She laughed.

I land, I escape the lingering aroma of what seat B row 9 left behind for all to enjoy. Thanks, thanks for the hour of plugging my nose. After claiming my bag I met up with Omar (my driver). We rode in silence.

I arrived at S4th and Berry, Wburg BK where Kate met Omar and I out front of her two-story apartment, where apparently she has a really hot neighbor. We rush inside to get me in my outfit. And this was the start of a glorious afternoon dressing up like American Apparel models.

The afternoon consisted of hanging in Upper Eastside, dressed in our gym-clothes best playing field day. We tried our hand at jump rope - fail, we tried softball - fail, we tried soccer - simi-fail and then frisbee - epic fail. we gave up and headed home to bk.

After stopping for happy hour we arrive back at the circus tent (aka Kate's house). Where I still haven't spotter next-door hottie. We come to a consensus that naps are indeed a most. We nap, and nap and nap some more. Field day really took it out of us.

After getting dressed and opening presents (Sassy Sarah Sasser celebrated her 21 last night!) we headed down to Buddakon in Meat Packing. In case you didn't know Buddakon is the place Carrie and Big have their rehearsal dinner in 'Sex in the City' the movie. It was nice, I wasn't that impressed. I did find it funny that a waiter from SC was trying to get us to go sing karaoke with the staff - we didn't need a karaoke bar last night, we had the backseat of the cab and a radio!

After dinner we headed to Lower Eastside for drinks and dancing. First stop: Pianos where we took shots with the bartender and danced with a 35yr old coked up obese woman. Second stop: Lit Lounge where we all became star struck when we turn and super model, cover of vogue ... etc etc was standing right in front of us. I had to pick Kate's mouth up off the floor. They met boys, they danced with boys, they kissed boys and I, well I was exhausted and not feeling any of those three activities. Third/Last stop: Beauty Bar where it was dead but we danced anyways. The dj's where insane, they were working it harder than anyone in the bar. Sarah had fun, she was enjoying herself.

After an eventful night it was time to go home. This is when the microwave adventure began. Kathleen and I, not completely sober, tried to carry a microwave up to their kitchen, in the act we manage to drop it about six different times, but she was determined.

After the microwave debocle we were summoned upstairs. Sarah, standing naked in the hallway, greeting us with "are you guys turned on? hey, ya'll are you turned on?" probably the hardest I've laughed in a while. Thank you Sassy Sarah Sasser.

I say goodnight BK until tomorrow. Maybe I'll spot the hot neighbor before my next post! :)

no sleep til' brooklyn

tomorrow marks the first in my life of adventure.
no looking back, no wasting time on strangers.
im ready to branch out of this box ive grown so comfortable in.
watch out baby here comes the storm.

brooklyn, are you ready?

go - fast

i started using you the moment i saw those loner eyes and cold-cold hands. i knew i was going to hurt you, i knew you weren't a man. im like your heroin - you just can't get enough. that's what i did it for, that's what gets me off.

pucker up, i'm up for an adventure - lets go baby, what are you waiting for.

pucker up

what's in a kiss?

experience the rest of your lives with your head in the clouds and your feet never on the ground. experience the rare things in life, 4am bike rides, good coffee with good company, horrible movies with 4lbs of candy but most of all experience the good people in life. here's to you guys, you are who i want more of, you are the ones who keep me going, even when i'm too tired to speak. here's looking at a few of you guys:









(if i don't say it enough, thanks!)

weak-sauce

i came across old photographs we took together. it was the first time i've truly missed you since you've been gone. i freaked out when i saw someone that looked similar to you from a distance, i ran inside the closest building and hid. why i do these things i will never know, i guess avoidance is the best coping mechanism when you're just a coward like me.

i've been working too much. i started summer classes monday (online). i'm nervous because i've never taken online classes before and since i'm on academic suspension i have to do well or i'm going to be permanently expelled from school. :( the pressure is on - man i suck under pressure.

wham bam thanks ma'm

go me. working 7 days/nights a week at the busy bee. i'm exhausted, the only thing keeping me going is a tiny bit of sleep and dance-a-thons with my coworkers. i'm not looking forward to working with a certain somebody (who shall remain nameless) though, he's been so rude, maybe it's me imagining the entire thing - that would be a plus.

i wrecked my bike. thank you incompetent raleigh fuck-bags for running black rope all the way across hargett st. i couldn't see it until i was already being clothes-lined by it. my falling led to four other bikes falling on me, which led to my back wheel/tire/spokes/rim being bent in the shape of a taco. yayy there goes a hundred bucks - thanks again raleigh fuck-bag.

anyway i'm going to bed i have to get up and shower in the morning, i haven't done that in a while and my hair is starting to stand on its own. damn, i just came to the realization if it wasn't for my hair being super duper crazy/greasy i probably wouldn't shower - eww, i need a new life man.

:)

oh but i have been spending quality time with quality people - this gives me a smile on my face and a great feeling about everything. not looking forward to starting summer classes tomorrow, wish me luck!

breath.

i'm fragile.
i'm breakable.

i'm durable.
i'm recyclable.

i'm so many things.
i'm nothing and everything.

home for some time.

sunday is mother's day! i'm going home to see my parents and my brother/sister-in-law. i'm pretty excited to get out of raleigh for a few days - even if it's to be stuck in e.city with nothing to do. well i guess i'll just take the sunfish out and sail. i might even feel frisky and go camping out on the beach - who really knows what i'll get myself into, hopefully nothing too too bad. :)

boo-who

my second night of work was interesting, i had a chance to meet a few more co-workers. i'm giving a lot of thought to quitting blue martini. i mean i don't need the negativity in my life. feeling like when i do go to work no one wants me there and then when i just come in to give them business hearing my co-worker in the back say: "what is SHE doing here?" i mean really how much can one girl take?

i'm packing up my life in a month and moving up north and out west and everywhere in between. i'm pretty excited, this is the first of hopefully many adventures to come. i can't believe i'm actually planning and acting out on my plans.

i'm changing my scenery a little, i'm staying in more, i'm trying to be ok with just being alone. i don't think i've ever been comfortable just being alone, having no one but myself around. i'm finally realizing that's actually what i need. i'm putting my foot down a lot lately, i'm going home when i want, i'm eating when i'm hungry, i'm not waiting around for anyone or anything. i make my own rules and break them by myself.

poop.

i will be enjoying the sunshine and company of nyc in a month.
i have nothing to write about, nothing to say.

i guess this is goodbye for now.

sad.

friends die.

gifts that just keep giving

i feel really weak. in fact i've been feeling really weak for the past couple days. my iron level is severely low, i may need to go to the health center tomorrow.

oh by the wayy it's suppose to hit 90 this weekend - holler!

oh boy weekends

my weekend was unexpected. friday was fun i just road bikes all day. i lost my mushroom necklace - which sucks, it was my moms. i played with butler, who may be the worst behaving dog i've ever been around. he's so big which means you should train him twice as much but not james. i don't think james knows how to handle him so he lets him do whatever he wants. so annoying! i have never been jumped on, bit or humped as much in my life - well at least by a dog (joke!)



can't wait for this weekend! i'll be working it at blue martini all friday night because i'll be dancing it up on saturday! i'm going to see copeland saturday evening then right after the show i'll be dancing to thien, joe, adam and smedium's music at five star! holla.

goal oriented - maybe?

goals for today:
make 14 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - CHECK
watch slum dog millionaire - CHECK
research for my final editorial - CHECK
take a nap - CHECK
watch the first harry potter - not planned for today but CHECK

could i photoshop myself in ...

does this really happen in real life? well i guess it does.
15 of the most influential models in the business all in one shoot.
look at agyness deyn (bottom left corner) her style is unbelievable.

happy times

jean seberg - i find her to be one beautiful woman

thinking back

tonight was a rough one. i was reminded of a lot of things. i miss a lot of people, some aren't on this earth, some aren't in this state and some are right in front of me. i love going to see my parents but the feeling i get when i come back to raleigh is never that welcoming. it's almost if i never leave raleigh i'd never have to have that feeling i get when i return. i never feel home when i come back, i never feel all that wanted here, i never feel that sense of security that one should feel.

tonight i cried, the first in a week or so i'd say. i didn't cry over the same bullshit as i have been. i cried over a friend. i cried for a friend i should say. i started crying because i feel that i can't do anything else, i'm so frustrated with the world and the shitty things it gives us. how is one to suppose to believe in happiness when all she gets is sadness?

i couldn't help it tonight. i thought back on all the things in my past, i was overwhelmed by grief. for the first time in a while my whole heart filled up with sadness. i began to think back on the all those i love who aren't with me anymore. i thought of those who i can't see, who i can't call, those who are somewhere no one really knows about.

thinking about my lost friends made me think about my present friends, as few as there may be. i got to thinking about kate. i really miss her. i wish she was here with me tonight, i wish she was here to wipe the tears, because i know she would.

i also got to thinking about lauren and meredith. i don't know what to think. we've been friends so long it's unnatural for me not to call them my friends but then i think about it, where have they been? have i shut them out to the point of no return or have they vanished and found new lives to lead that don't involve me?

we grew up together but i fear we've also grown apart together.

we are human, we evolve to survive. i've changed, i'm not perfect, i'm starting to realize i never will be. friends come and go but i'm the only me i've got. maybe i should start being able to live with myself instead of changing my friends whenever i feel insecure with my worth.

i'm working on me. i'm still insecure, i'm still sensitive, i'm still emotional but you know that's what makes me, me. i'm becoming more comfortable, hanging out with strong people is helping, i'm beginning to realize i'm actually a person people like to hang out with. i've always relied too heavily on other peoples perception of me, now i'm finally seeing the only perception that matters is the one i have of myself.

cheers to growth, cheers to me.

party - not so much

so thursday night was a little out of the ordinary. i don't get drunk, i don't ride all over raleigh on my bike, i don't puke on the side of the road and i don't shut down house parties. well, until thursday night that is. i felt unbelievably energetic thursday because a) it was a beautiful day b) i had an excess of sugar in my body c) i went to see 'monsters vs. aliens.

let me start from the beginning: thursday started like any other mundane day in raleigh until i realized i didn't have class friday and i could day drink. well i left my class (we met in the park downtown - pretty awesome of my teach.) and i road for a while, stopped got hired on the spot at busy bee as a waitress (i start in 3 weeks or so) then i road to blue martini had a look at our brand new menu - of course i tasted some of the food options. ben (bartender) made me, him and lindsey a shot of his martini (ritmo benito) - i took one sip and almost died (it's too strong and full of bourban for my taste!) after eating lunch (a ceasar salad and grilled cheese) i felt like a fatty-mc-fatster so i road my bike. i thought ester was working at helios so i went by to see - of course she was! cam-daddy talked me into drinking a $2.50 bottle of bad penny (i mean come on $2.50 bad penny? who could say no?) after i finished drinking my beer ester and i took a ride down to morning times to meet courtney. this is where the day turned to night and the night turned to crazytimes.

courtney, ester and i shared a piece of sugar-filled blackberry white chocolate cake (keep in mind i DO NOT eat sugar, especially not cake!) i was pretty hyped up on sugar when courtney and i decided to go to a movie. of course the only movie i wanted to see was a movie for 5-10 year olds - courtney and i decided it was a must. we got on our bikes (leaving ester because she was meeting some people that court and i don't really care for). we road to my car (at blue martini) and we decided to go in and drink a martini because we had 10 minutes to waste before we had to head to the movie.

after downing a 'panty dropper' and 'upside down cake' we headed off to monsters vs. aliens. we get to the movies convince the lady to let us in for free - well for the kids price. then we went to the snack bar and flirted with the 16 year olds working it - who were convinced that we were high on something - we ended up getting our popcorn for free.99.

the movie was ok. it had it's funny parts but there was defiantly some slow moving/boring parts. i actually found myself having trouble staying awake in some points.

after we left the movie we decided to go change because it was getting chilly and we wanted to ride bikes through the night. - i'll skip the changing and boring parts.

so we get downtown, park in the deck, get on our bikes and ride to tir-a-nog for local beer local band night. we run into megan carroll, so we recruit her for our adventure. we have a couple 20oz bad pennys then ride out to busy-bee (well the hive). nickshaw joins us - courtney and i have come to the conclusion that we shouldn't go out without nickshaw anymore because he's too much fun and without him we aren't nearly as retarded. after nickshaw met up with us megan dipped out (i think there may be drama there that i was unaware of - my bad megs).

we sit, sing/make up songs, find out the cute guy in my journalism class is gay - see jimmy's friend who's always so nice to me - i think matt or chris either way him and his gorgeous asian girlfriend make me sick, they're way too cute.

court, nickshaw and i decide we should make our way to dance it up at the jackpot! we hop on our bikes - stopping by the big easy first for open mic night - i'm so happy it was over - i didn't want to hear them sing anymore, my ears were beginning to bleed. we pick up john at the hive and recruit him to bike with us to jackpot!

the jackpot! was fun. we always bring the dance party. i think it's funny that the dj was playing some slow ass tunes and then the four of us started dancing and the dj got into it - we made a circle some guy pulled out some cardboard from god knows where and we had a dance off of sorts. i ran into drew ball who was highly intoxicated. i recruited him to go to the house party we were heading to but then retracked my invite because he couldn't walk straight.

we biked to the party - which was off kent (passed my house) got there and things were lame. stuff being lame does not stop us from having a blast though. courtney and i threw down on the dance floor - joseph (this guy from my class) was there he's a talented mc we talked about how class is stupid. then court and i went outside where court stood on a table and had a shouting match with this tiny man from new jersey.

this is when the blood of christ was introduced into the mixed - not a good choice at all. i wasn't as drunk as court or nick because i didn't have any of this death-juice. court and i decided to pretend i was from prague - it was going well until i forgot i wasn't suppose to speak english very well and said something in clear english. we had them boys going though.

anyway, we end up being the last three people at this party - well other than the people that live there. we leave get on our bikes and nick and i start down the street to my house. we look back and court has fallen onto the curb - bike on top of her and she can't get up. that was fall number 1 - 2 more to come.

nick gets her up makes sure she's ok - she is. we start off towards my house again. we cross western, past food lion, getting ready to turn onto my street (ligon) when i hear a huge crash. court has been taking out by the curb - fall number 2 - 1 more to come.

we get into my parking lot - convincing court she is not biking home or biking to her car - her and nick are going to crash on my couch. she tries to dismount off her bike as she lifts one foot up to swing it over her bike-frame she fulls - smashed right into my bushes (i should mention they are prickly bushes). nickshaw and i finally get her inside - i bandage her wounds and put on a movie for them because they tell me they're too drunk to fall asleep (it's 4am).

oh about the puke on the side of the road - as we were leaving the house party some girl was right beside where our bikes were locked up puking. i'm the type of person who if i smell puke, see puke i follow suit. i can't help it i can't deal with puke. i hate puke.

i go upstairs, pass out.

we wake up friday - nick and court feeling like shit - and bike downtown to get breakfast at morning times and to get our cars. i make it to my patents house by 2pm!

i'll stick to my 'once in a blue moon beer/martini/glass of wine' from now on, thank you. -

Jealousy Ignites

why does Bristol have such amazing art?
get me there, please!

(you have to click on the photos for them to show up correctly!)

Just Another Day

Ok so this week is finally coming to an end. I've been thrown in a lot of different directions and I'm finally getting a break from it. I'm having the pleasure of going home this weekend. I get to see my family and attend a wedding of two friends, Lindsey and Nick soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Cahoon. I'm excited to see everyone, I'm ready for a simi-break from Raleigh.

I went to Busy-Bee the other night for dinner, they ended up being out of the only vegetarian entree on their menu so I ate Helena and Brian's sides - consisting of Mac-and-Cheese, Tator Tots (with mustard) and French Fries (with mayo). I accidently ate a noodle that had been cooked in sausage, it made me throw-up - probably to me freaking out not because my body couldn't handle it that bad.

After dinner we moved on to The Hive, the bar to the right and up from the restaurant. I was thoroughly impressed, in fact I made a second trip last night. I like the quiet atmosphere and the people who work there. I was actually convinced by Castello and friends to apply, I will be turning my application in today (hopefully).

Anyway, I'm going to go to class and learn about State and Local Government. I'm trying really hard this semester, I've only missed maybe 4 classes - that's in all (5 classes only 4 days missed that's a record for me!) Hopefully my grades will represent the hard work I've been putting in, I mean I don't know I'm a little worried.

I'm a excited to attend a 'rad party' with an 'alt-bro looking for meaning in this world' tonight, let the games begin!!!

Until next time solo-reader, have fun in NEW YORK!

Bbbbbuzzz

i'm hoping this place will be all it's crack up to be.
my review will come as soon as i get there and back.

check this out:

i'm now and forever will be obsessed with david choe.
to see more david choe click here.

Saturday Night Entertainment

tonight at blue martini we had a guy go 'chris brown' on this other guys ass. didn't you know sucker punching a boy twice your size for talking shit to your 'wife' who doesn't exist is cool and gets you lots a hott women?

word to the wise don't fight at a bar you turn out looking twice as stupid as you would if you would just leave the bar hop in your car and get pulled over on hillsborough in front of snoopys at 2:10am for a dui, which in case you didn't know requires a sobriety test on the street. therefore everyone will point and laugh because you will be spending the night in jail and because you are distracting at least two cop cars from pulling their drunk asses over.


adam, our doorman, went 'man in the middle of this pic'

Contemplating Stuff

Purgatory - the start of a new beginning - purifying for a journey

Limbo - the edge of the end - no turning back - everything is over

mistakes

that gut-ripped-out and stepped on feeling won't go away.
i shouldn't of done what i just did. FUCK ME!

i guess i'm not as tough as my last post leads you to believe.

i'm learning more and more i am very fragile. i've protected myself for so long that i think my body started mutating into stone. now, after you chiseled away at my stone wall, i'm left so very fragile.

today i had a long bus ride back from my game. i sat there talking to my 14-16 year old girls about their boyfriends and how much they love each other. they now call me a "love bash-er," a nickname i wear proudly across my chest. love has never got me anywhere, love has never given me anything. i am a "love bash-er," i wear my heart on my sleeve and carry a venomous bite.

i learned today that everybody is looking for the scoop. everybody ask questions just to fill there own need for knowledge. very few people actually care about you or your feelings. do you know how many times i get asked "what happened between you guys? why'd ya'll break up?" i'll tell you one thing the questions come far more than the actual answers. and if i do feel like talking about it, which is never, no one actually listens to the answer i give. they pretend to listen, they perk up their ears for gossip but when they realize there isn't any their ears lay flat.

the people around me, the people who truly care, the people who ask not for the scoop but for the real response, the people who not only listen to you ramble about everything that's happened but actually give you a hug afterward.they listen to the thoughts but more importantly they watch for your nonverbal ques, those are your friends. these friends are the ones that will be in your life for a while.

nonverbal ques are key to any persons inner thoughts and feelings. i should get better at reading them then maybe i'd be better at life.



friday's going to be weird, i wish it didn't have to be but i'm still relying on 'time will heal all wounds.' but you never know 'time flies when you're having fun.'

god, i'm a retard. again i leave you.


(i'm getting better, i'm just not there yet. soon, just not today)

...with a bad history

bring it on, bring everything and throw it on me.

meat eaters suck

fuck carnivores.

thien and nick-shaw should be fat just for the shear volume of portein they consumed in one meal. i vomit in my mouth a little every time i think about it.

back to school grind. exam tomorrow, story due thursday, quiz thursday then two papers due next week along with a story. man, i'm so happy it's warm outside, it makes getting work done even harder. i'm never going to graduate, swear it. FML

oh yea, phrase of the night: S.D.A.T.B.S (thanks nick-shaw for this amazing visual)

crazy nights.

had a blast last night. it was a first time in a while i've actually enjoyed myself completely. i spent the night dancing with courtney and amber. we went to the jackpot and made complete fools of ourselves, but it was amazing. after two beers each and last call we walked down to a house party logan and joseph's crew were dj-ing/mc-ing/hanging at. it was hilarious, i swear. we danced more, hung out more, then we walked to my car. we decided we wanted ihop. i felt like a freshman again, minus the excessive alcohol and drugs. i think i need more nights like last night in my life.

u-g-l-y i ain't got no alibi

got this back from my daniel polsvick shoot.
not really my favorite picture, i look unbelievably sad.
hmm, my eyes are dead, my forehead has somehow turned into a eight head
and my nostrils are bulging out from my face.

i've never known how

good-bye
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of God be with you
Date: circa 1580
1. : a concluding remark or gesture at parting - often used interjectionally
2. : a taking of leave - <a tearful good-bye>

break up
Function: verb
Date: 15th Century
1. : a. to cease to exist as a unified whole : Disperse - <a partnership broke up>
1. : b. to end a romance
2. : to lose moral, composure, or resolution

forget
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, to Old English forgietan
Date: Before 12th Century
1. : to lose the remembrance of : be unable to recall <I forgot his name>
2. : to treat with unattention or disregard <forget their old friends>
3. : to disregard intentionally : Overlook - usually used in the imperative
4. : to cease in remembering <forgive and forget>
5. : to fail to become mindful at the proper time <forget about paying the bill>

Today I'm reminding myself of all these words.
Today I'm pushing away, I'm freeing myself.
Today I'm smiling and getting over you.

thinking

today:
-found out i can NOT register for courses in the fall until after the summer
-found out i'm more than likely NOT spending the summer in NYC due to above
-found out i do NOT need to work on mondays but i'm being forced
-found out i only have $8 in my bank account
-found out i have $400 in bills still to pay this month

tomorrow:
-i will wake up to the sun shining
-i will smile and be happy
-i will spend the early evening hours on a softball field
-i will NOT think about you
-i will find out what i'm doing this summer

(i sometimes miss my old self - but then i can't remember most of it )

stuff

i discovered last night that there is more.
i discovered i'm unbelievably offensive at times.
i discovered the redhead, milla, and i are pretty intense.
we make people feel uncomfortable a lot, and it's hilarious.

my knee and wrist hurts.

i'm going to new york in a month for an interview.
i'm going to smile, dress my best and hope for the best.
i need this, i really need this.


(i really need to hug this guy and hope he doesn't get hard on my leg.)

Hate and Memories

reminded

today i was lurking around the interweb and found a couple cool places to live, a couple cool jobs to apply for, and a couple of cheap prices on my amazing multi-city trip this summer. i'm going to have a ball traveling and not worrying about anything but whether the airplane i'm on will crash into the mid-west. i'm in love with the idea, i'm in love the possibilities and most of all i'm in love with the search.
(first stop in my month long journey, brooklyn. home to kate-the-great)

(then boarding a flight to seattle. home to maria, my bulgarian princess)

(then taking a bus down to portland. home of old friend chris, otherwise known as alfy)

(then my traveling butt will be back in raleigh. home to reality and money making)

(then, after saving money for a few weeks, back to traveling. first stop chicago. home of the cubs.)

who really knows where i will be or what i will be doing. this is all made possible by money saving strategies and lots of friends in lots of cool cities that are willing to put me up for my adventures.

i'm pretty excited. all this traveling will only cost me $443 plus spending money.

procrastination.

procrastination sucks. i have so much to get done and so little time to do it. i'm going to chapel hill later so i can see my friend meredith. i haven't seen her since thanksgiving break, which is a really long time ago. it will be nice to get away from raleigh for a little while. i'm getting more and more jaded everyday. i'm taking this week to clear my head, make some decisions and dive head first in school. i've been holding back a lot lately, i don't like feeling like that.
i'm going to start heading down a path of self reflection and i'm finally taking the time to get stuff straight with me. now i look back, i'm sure this will change but for now, i've looked back and realized it's not a bad thing all this happened. i'm actually alone, and ok with it. yes, it's hard because i gave away a part of me that i wasn't willing to give ever before but i'm ok with it. i'm tired of feeling jaded from the world, i'm tired of being unhappy with myself. i'm glad this happened maybe now i can finally have time to just do me.

i told my mom last night her thoughts: in return take time for you, don't let this make you feel small because you are big, sam, you have a lot going for you.

i love my mom.

Dealing

you got it now

i just finished 5 papers in 1.5 days. i am awesome.

now i'm back to the grind.


life's like this: all life contains are games, games that you either figure out or games that you don't. Either way it's all a game, you chose to either be a good sport, or a sore loser. i'm finally getting over being the sore loser in the last game i played, it's taken approximately 5 days.

i'm still waiting.
it's your move, show me something new.

rep man

i want my best friend back.
ok, thanks come again.


i know someday you will be reppin' again, i have my faith.

feelings

again i'm not asleep before 3am.
again i'm left feeling like crap.
again i'm to blame.
again i'm not afraid.
BECAUSE
it will work out, it will be ok.
it will work out, it will be ok.
i need to keep repeating it so my heart will listen and
believe the words that are being said:
it will work out, it will be ok.
it will work out, it will be ok.

i'm not done, not yet.


ps. i love you.



first game's tomorrow at JCPark, 4pm if anyone's interested.
(not that i actually have people that read my blog)

love

I'm in l-o-v-e.

(The apple of my eye: Mumpower from the Aldo collection)

By the way I totally have a pimple inside my right nostril and it hurts so unbelievably bad!

pssh

hear that splash? that's me abandoning ship.

(bye, bye inconsiderate twat-cicle)

i use my blog to talk shit, guess who guess who

Discovery on the Home Front

I recently discovered German boys are hot and maybe I should go overseas, you know visit the fam, get some digis, drink some hefeweizen (aka country ham beer) and just live it up.

Here's my proof:

I guess Irish boys aren't too bad either. Proof:

Blah Blog Blush

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

No matter how many times I type it I still have this feeling. The funny thing is I don't feel paranoid about one particular thing, it's everything. I feel out of control, I feel left out, I feel alone for the first time in a long time.

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

I try so hard to keep people out but all I really want is to be let in. I close myself off from people because I feel it saves me from the hurt, but all it really does is gives me more pain. I start hating everything about myself, I start second guessing everything about myself.

Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid. Paranoid.

I suck at being me. I just want to find a new persona to act out for a while. I've been pretty good at that in the past. Wow, in the past, I can't believe I've actually started opening up and being, not acting, like myself.

Relieved. Relieved. Relieved. Relieved.

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Ok so that was mellow-dramatic and I need to stop so back to fashion, cool and interesting things I find on the internet!

I've been searching for a pair of lady lace-up oxfords and I found some but they are rather expensive:

Kisco Brogue Lace Up

Then I found this amazing piece of art:

Agyness Deyn (I'm obbessed)

Daily Update

I feel crappy.
I got hit by a car and now I am in pain.
Blah. I need sleep.
I need a new life, starting with my over-analysis of everything.


Here's the picture of the day:

Graffiti straight from Bristol, UK

Hey it's you

'Been seeing this boy everywhere, he's definitly one with style:


(Ash, model)

Strivin'

I strive to be this chick at some point this year.
I guess I should get starting on my search for a sick ass bike.Next stop GYM.